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Say No To V
June 12, 2009
The harvest and sale of vampire blood on the black market is perhaps the greatest common danger affecting vampires and humans. Not only does this barbaric practice spread disease and addiction, but it drives a wedge of fear between us. Please, stay free of vampire blood. It's no way to live.
At the recent D-Day ceremonies in Normandy, a number of vampire veterans who fought secretly in WWII were decorated by the U.S. military.
Among them, Sgt. Andrew Billows, who was turned by a vampire in Marseille during Operation Dragoon, was honored for his sacrifice and patriotism during the conflict. Even after becoming a vampire, Billows continued to follow his unit in the shadows, doing his best to protect his men through the night.
"I did whatever I could to try to keep them alive," he says, "but it was a mess out there. I'll never forget the evenings I woke up in some farmhouse or mill to find out we'd lost a man while the sun was out. Even with an eternity to come to terms with it, I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for letting them down."
But when Billows was reunited with the surviving members of his unit — and fell into their grateful embraces — he was moved beyond words. Fellow soldier Richard Tomkins, however, spoke for everyone: "We never would have made it through France without Andy's help," says the 86-year-old veteran. "I don't know a lot about this whole vampire thing, but after what Andy's done for me, I don't care if he turns into a goddamned leprechaun — he'll always be my brother."
A Cold Hand: AVL Reaches Out to the Less Fortunate
With the global economy in shambles, humanitarian groups have been scrambling to help Americans who have lost everything in the downturn. Often forgotten, however, are the countless vampires affected by homelessness in our country, many of whom have literally gone underground — burying themselves in dirt as the only way to seek protection from the sun.
Because relatively few vampires were able to find any regular employment after "coming out," most have relied almost exclusively on stock and real-estate investments made over their generations of existence. With both those markets crashing, an increasing number of vampires are finding themselves thrown out in the street with no safety net and no employment prospects.
To alleviate this problem, the AVL is spearheading LAIR — the first vampire-centric homeless outreach program in America. Utilizing abandoned waterfront properties in major cities, the AVL has managed to provide clean coffins and warm bottles of Tru Blood to thousands of vampires in need. These initiatives would not be possible without the continued support of members like you.
NASHVILLE -- The first recorded human-vampire duet, "Friends 'Round Midnight," featuring pop country sensation Dink Whitney and sultry vampire chanteuse Etoile Abbatre is expected to chart at #1 when the latest new-country sales figures are released this week. According to justcountry.com editor Mark King, "It's the biggest dual-audience, country/ballad phenomenon since Willie and Julio."
The news comes on the heels of reports that Whitney, recently divorced from his wife of eight years, has been seen squiring the 700-year-old torch singer around his ranch in the south of Australia. Representatives for both singers laughed off the rumors, and Abbatre's rep insisted that her client was thousands of miles away in Atlanta, preparing for a new project with rapper-producer Haffa Crunk.
GOP Bigs Eye Vampire Bloc
June 2, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Leaders of the Republican Party, still stinging from big losses in the '06 and '08 elections, have begun a sometimes contentious public debate about broadening their base to include an emerging constituency -- American vampires.
"If we don't broaden our appeal, if we don't find a way to add to our base of social conservatives and the South," said New Jersey moderate Sen. D. Shaw Attenberg on a Sunday morning talk show, "then we might as well head to the coffin ourselves." Conservative radio host Buzz Chiplock immediately criticized the notion with a slur-laced response: "I realize that most politicians are naturally comfortable with bloodsucking. But the day we lay down with the undead is the day we give up — literally — the soul of the Republican Party."
Other GOPers, including new party chair Michael Nickels, seemed to leave the door open to vampire voters. "The Republican Party has always been the party of inclusion," he said in a speech Monday. "In the 19th century, we welcomed freed slaves. Why not vampires in the 21st? Heck, some of them might even be the same folks."