I’ve been kind of numb for weeks now. Some days are easier than others, you know? Then in the blink of an eye everything changes and there’s this pain that won’t go away. It’s different from the dull pain of being numb, or the physical pain of being shot -- God, does that hurt -- but even that type of pain can still be stuffed under the surface. Instead, this pain, this grief, is raw and sharp and so intense that it’s impossible for me to ignore.
Watching Alcide’s murder, and Sookie’s reaction, was unreal. For a moment everything froze. And just as quickly the shock was gone, sound returned, and all I could hear was the ringing of Sookie’s cry. It’s as if I could see the grief gripping and tugging at her heart. I can only imagine what that type of love and loss must feel like. I’m not saying I don’t know what it’s like to experience loss, but this wasn’t the same as losing my grandparents or even Tara, for that matter. The hurt in Sookie’s eyes looked different. I guess the closest I’ve come to understanding her pain was having to say goodbye to Hoyt, but even that doesn’t come close. I could tell Alcide really loved her.
Sookie was the first person to show me real kindness after being made vampire -- sort of like a big sister. I could always go to her when I thought Bill was being unreasonable, or if I wanted to do something I didn’t want him to know about, and she would cover for me. The moment I looked into her eyes after Alcide was killed, I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to carry this pain for her, because I could see it was too much to bear. If only for a brief moment, I could be the big sister.